Message #21616

[Adam Grant]

Maggie: The following match is scheduled for one fall to a finish!!

Zack: For those of you who also follow Future Shock..and if you don’t, you should….you know the match we are about to see has some history to it.

Mai: Yeah, the history is Angelina can’t stand to hear the truth about the hellhole she calls home. It’s like a homeless woman fighting because someone insulted the bridge she lives under.

The techno beat of Britney Spears’ “Work Bitch” hits over the speakers and out walks Angelina Fantastica in a pair of pink aviator sunglasses and a matching satin baseball jacket with “Fantastica” emblazoned on the back in white script. She struts down the ramp, high-fiving fans and blowing kisses to the crowd as she works her way toward the ring.
 
Maggie: Introducing from Staten Island, New York… she is Angelina Fantastica!
 
As she gets to the end of the ramp Angelina takes a few steps back, tosses her jacket and sunglasses to the side, and takes a running leap toward the ring, somersaulting over the top rope and landing on her feet with a bright smile, stretching out her arms to wave to the crowd before making her way to her corner.

Zack: Angelina’s coming off a major win at Unstoppable 9 to show how much being part of FFW means to her.

Mai: We call that ass kissing, and I hate people who do that. Speaking of which, I adore her opponent!

The lights in the arena sharply cut off, leaving everything in complete darkness. The chiming of a clock is heard echoing in the darkness, followed by a chipper, circus like chime tone. As the tone chimes on, a vibrant gold spotlight shines down on the top of the stage. The circus chimes are soon replaced by the opening chorus of “Villain” by Wildfire.

"Tic tic toc, the time bomb clock
Ticks grinning ear to ear here baby
Tic Tic Toc, the time bomb clock
ticks counting down...
tic, tic stop!"

At the exact moment “stop” is sung, the song kicks into full gear, setting off a series of shimmering gold strobe lights going off on either side of the ramp. A few seconds pass before the controversial redhead, Valerie McKinley makes her way out from behind the curtain and stands in the immediate center of the stage, standing in the gold spotlight. Coming out behind her in his wheelchair next to her was her manager, one Kyle Kilmeade.

"You know I speak in riddles,
And I’m plotting to destroy
Villain as I always was
Crazy is as crazy does"

Clad in a mid-thigh length leather jacket worn open over her gear, Valerie looks around at the crowd showering her with a rousing chorus of boos. Her championship is slung over her right shoulder as she looks over at Kyle and the pair simply shake their heads. The strobe lights begin to lessen in intensity as the pair makes their way down the aisle, her arms at her side and a focused look on her face. As she makes her way to the ring, the fans on either side of the aisle make their displeasure at her appearance rather noticeable, which Valerie simply dismisses with an arrogant flip of her hand.

"My sanity's in short supply
Mad as a hatter, hey surprise!
T-T-T-Ticking bomb on the inside
Livin' with the villain pacing in my mind."

Maggie: Ladies and gentlemen, making her way down to the ring, being accompanied by Kyle Kilmeade…..from Providence, Rhode Island...she is the reigning FFW Future Shock Champion…….Valerie McKinley!!

The boos grow louder as Kyle hops up onto the apron and climbs into the ring. Valerie hops up onto the apron and spins around so her back is resting on the ropes. With her head bowed, she lifts both arms up towards her head and has her pointer finger and thumb on both hands close to her head. She lifts her head up and extends her arms out, her fingers pointing out at the crowd like pistols. She then makes a motion like she was firing her finger guns at the crowd before turning around to see the referee already holding the ropes open for her. She steps through the open ropes and into the ring.

"I'm blowing up the mystery
And all the pretty things you see
Light flame to fuse
And Sparks will fly
You said goodnight
Now say goodbye."

Once in the ring, she walks around with her left arm extended outward,her right hand hoisting her title aloft, reveling in the heat from the crowd. She walks over to the corner and peels off her jacket, letting it drop to the apron as the lights return to normal and her music fades out. She rests her back against the turnbuckles and brushes a few stray strands of hair out of her face, awaiting the start of the action.

Zack: Valerie always has that air of confidence about her, and it’s only grown since becoming Future Shock Champion several weeks ago.

Mai: Of course, it has. Having a title is like a shot in the arm, not that Valerie needed it. She’s clearly the most intelligent Future Shock Champion that place has had.

Melinda Davis checked both competitors, getting an okay from both before she called for the bell. McKinley leaned back in her corner for a couple of moments as it sounded as Fantastica stepped towards the middle of the ring and got a pop from the crowd as she waved the Future Shock Champion forward. It brought a grin to McKinley’s face and an almost laugh before she finally left her corner, stepping towards her opponent as she began to once more trash talk Staten Island. Valerie didn’t let up as she walked straight up to Angelina and slapped her across the face. Hard. Hard enough that it caused Fantastica to take a step to the side as her hand came up to her cheek and McKinley immediately followed it up with four quick fire European uppercuts to the jaw, forcing the New Yorker back to the ropes.

Mai: See there? Valerie’s already letting her know where she belongs, and it’s under that bridge we talked about.

Zack: Slapping anyone in the face rarely works out in the long run, and I’m not sure that it’s going to prove a good idea for the champion here.

The red haired wrestler kept her foe against the ring ropes as she began to bring a series of four quick knees up into her midriff while Davis told her to let her away from the ring ropes and used the count, getting to four before McKinley whipped Fantastica across the ring into the ropes. As Angelina rebounded from the opposite side, Valerie charged towards her and took her down to the canvas with a clothesline. Fantastica sat up quickly only for McKinley to drive a kick into her spine, freezing her in place for half a second as Valerie delivered another kick into the spine. It caused the Staten Islander to roll to the side as she pushed upwards to her feet only to be jerked forward into a raised knee into her midriff before the Future Shock Champion wrapped her arms around Angelina’s torso and delivered a German suplex that she bridged for the pinfall.

Mai: Look at that bridge! That’s a thing of beauty!

One…

T-

Zack: Well executed as it might be, it wasn’t enough to keep Angelina down barely for even a two count.

Fantastica kicked out before the two count was made and Valerie wasted no time at all as opponent sat up, rolling to a knee and applying an armbar to her foe, using all of her weight to try and keep Angelina on the canvas. Despite that the New Yorker slowly pushed upwards, getting her feet underneath her only for the Future Shock Champion to grab hold of her hair with one hand as she kept the armbar locked in, pulling her head backwards. Davis told McKinley off for using the hair, starting the five count, only to see the red head sweep the high flyers feet out from under her to send her back down to the mat once more. McKinley kept hold of her arm as she hit the canvas and followed up with a leg drop across her chest, keeping her leg across her chest as she re-applied the armbar, raising her hips for leverage as she pulled back on the arm.

Zack: This is a strategy as old as they come. Valerie wants to keep Angelina grounded, and not let her get her speed behind her.

Mai: It’s an old strategy because it works. Otherwise it wouldn’t be anything at all.

Valerie continued to exert as much torque as possible in the hold as Angelina grimaced in pain and began to beat her hand against the ring mat. The fans started to get behind the New Yorker as she began to use her power and flexibility to bridge upwards and slowly start to rise to her feet, forcing McKinley to alter her grip as she too returned to a vertical base. With the fans chanting for her, Fantastica began to fight her way out of the hold as she used her free hand to drive a fist into Val’s gut. A second fist followed it before Angelina was able to free her arm and the Luchadora quickly delivered three stiff kicks into McKinley’s body. She set off towards the ropes but barely made it two steps before the crowds cheers turned to boos once more as McKinley managed to grab hold of her opponent’s hair once more and jerked her backwards, causing the high flying wrestler to land hard on the back of her head.

Mai: It’s like she’s mind-screwing the crowd here. Angelina just starts to get something going and make these idiots shout...and Valerie shuts her down.

The Future Shock Champion raised her hands in the air to get further boos from the crowd as she began to stomp away at her downed opponent’s body, forcing her onto her back before she pressed her boot down across her throat. Immediately Fantastica kicked her feet against the canvas as she sputtered and gagged for air, trying to shove the boot off her windpipe; McKinley more intent on playing to the crowd and getting jeered further than listening to the referee as Davis demanded that she move her foot. The Rhode Islander only did so when the count reached four. Angelina sat up as she gasped for air and McKinley dropped in down behind her and applied a rear chinlock, talking down to her as she wrenched the hold on tighter.

Mai: Valerie is doing a magnificent job of taking all the wind out of Angelina’s sails. Look at her gasping like a goldfish in there.

Zack: No one is going to say Valerie isn’t talented between the ropes, Mai. She wouldn’t be Future Shock Champion if that were the case.

Slowly Fantastica began to fight her way upwards, getting her feet underneath her before she began to fire and elbow off into Valerie’s gut, landing two before the Rhode Islander loosened her grip enough for Angelina to reach behind her, grab hold of her foe’s head and drop down into a seated jawbreaker. McKinley reeled backwards, holding her jaw for a moment before she recovered and advanced on the New Yorker who roll backwards from her sitting position into a handstand that saw her drive her feet upwards into her opponent’s jaw, causing the red head to fall backwards onto the canvas as the brunette returned to her feet.

Zack: Now Angelina’s starting to put some offense together, and Valerie’s getting her molars checked as a result.

Immediately Angelina set off across the ring, bouncing off the ropes and came back towards McKinley, delivering a running European uppercut to her jaw as soon as the Providence native had returned to her feet. The Gold Standard member tottered as she managed to stay upright, allowing the luchadora to follow up with three more European uppercuts that continued to stagger her backwards into the ropes. Fantastica took hold of her wrist and fired her across the ring into the far side ropes, catching McKinley on her return with a leg lariat that caught her across the chest and sent her straight back down to the canvas once more. As soon as her back hit the ring mat, Valerie rolled to the side and pushed up to her feet only to get caught straight away with a deep arm drag that sent her rolling across the ring.

Zack: Like I mentioned at the outset, these two have met before and it was hardly a cordial affair. They don’t get along, and I doubt they ever will.

Mai: That’s only because Angelina is jealous of her. She wishes she grew up with Valerie’s upbringing.

The Future Shock Champion quickly attempted to pick herself up and almost immediately regretted it as Fantastica snapped off four stiff kicks in quick succession to the redhead’s stomach before she spun around and drove a spinning back kick into her gut to complete the combination. McKinley dropped to her knees and cradled her gut, but it was only a momentary respite thanks to Angelina spinning back around to face her opponent, grabbing hold of her hair and jerked her head upwards and then back down into a single knee facebreaker that saw Kilmeade’s stumble backwards into the corner. As soon as she hit the turnbuckle pads, Fantastica skipped forward and drove a raised knee into her midriff that she immediately followed up with a high kick across the bridge of Val’s nose. The referee barely got a chance to ask Angelina to let her opponent out of the corner before the luchadora yanked her away from the pads and sent her charging across the ring with an Irish whip.

Zack: It’s hard to stop a runaway train, and that’s the territory we are getting into right now with Angelina. She’s actually going to be part of the Future Shock Cup soon.

Mai: I can’t believe this girl defeated Kaylee. Did she have a headache that night?

Fantastica immediately set off behind her opponent, catching her mere milliseconds after she struck the turnbuckles with a high knee strike to her jaw. The New Yorker immediately backflipped onto her feet and took off towards the ropes as her opponent staggered forward out of the corner; Angelina quickly heading towards the ropes and into the Fantasticanrana - a springboard hurricanrana - reaching back to hook McKinley’s legs as she landed the move and held for the pinfall.

Zack: FANTASTICANRANA! Valerie may be out cold!

One…

Two…

Mai: Please! You think that’s all it’s going to take to put the Future Shock Champion down?

McKinley’s shoulder came up from the mat and Fantastica nodded her acceptance of the referee’s count as she pulled the Rhode Island native back up to her feet only to plant her back onto the mat with a snap DDT. Fantastica kipped straight back up to her feet and made for the nearest ropes, springboarding off the middle rope into a moonsault that saw her crash down onto Valerie’s back. The Future Shock rolled away in pain, holding her back and tried to sit up only for Angelina to bounce off the ropes again and this time come back with a low dropkick into Valerie’s spine that caused the red head to cry out in pain. Fantastica quickly pulled her foe up to her feet and into a reverse DDT, slamming her head down into the mat before she went for the cover and hooked the leg once more.

Zack: It’s a good thing the title isn’t on the line, because I don’t think we are too far from a win here for Angelina!

One…

Two…

...THR-

Mai: I do. Seriously, this woman defeated Kaylee?!

Valerie kicked out of the pinfall only to be pulled up to her feet by Angelina and once more forced back into the ring ropes by a series of knees from the Luchadora. Fantastica delivered two additional knees into McKinley’s breadbasket before she sent her across the ring, jumping up into a leapfrog only to find it unnecessary as the Gold Standard member didn’t return, stopping her momentum by grabbing hold of the top rope. Fantastica glared at her opponent as she landed back on her feet, getting up on the tip of her toes and quickly sprinted forward to catch the red haired woman with a spinning heel kick that took her over the top rope. McKinley flipped over and landed on her feet on the floor and staggered while Angelina landed on the apron; the crowd loudly behind her.

Mai: Talk about catlike grace! Did you see Valerie land on her feet right there, Zack?

Zack: I did, but she’s still been knocked loopy by Angelina. You can be dizzy on your feet as much as on your back.

Quickly the New York born luchadora measured up McKinley, waiting for her to turn around before she darted forward into a baseball slide into her foes face. Valerie stumbled and fell into the barricade once more only to receive a running boot into her stomach from her opponent to double her over, allowing Fantastica to hook her head and pull her away from the guardrail into a bulldog. McKinley held her face with both hands as she came to her feet, allowing the wrestler from Staten Island to bring her back to her feet and roll her into the ring underneath the bottom rope as the referee demanded the action is returned to the ring. The Luchadora clambered up onto the apron and catapulted herself over the top rope into the ring to deliver an elbow drop into Valerie’s chest as she tried to sit up, driving her back to the canvas and Fantastica made the cover, hooking the leg as she did so.

Mai: This isn’t gonna work! This isn’t gonna work!

One…

Two…

...THRE-

Zack: That was the closest fall of the whole match so far! Angelina came with all the fight she could ever want, and she’s close to upsetting the champion here!

McKinley kicked out once again before the referee could complete the three count, Angelina looking towards Davis who holds up two fingers to her to confirm the count. Fantastica rolled away to her feet and measured up her foe, watching her as she rolled to the ropes and began to pull herself upwards. As she got to her knees, the Future Shock Champion rested on the middle rope, prompting Angelina to take off across the ring and came back to deliver the Fantast-Kick as Valerie brought her arms up in front of her face. Despite this the Gold Standard member reeled backwards, spinning around as she came to her feet and Angelina darted across the ring once more, hitting the ropes and came back towards McKinley, leaving her feet as she went looking for a wheelbarrow DDT. The red haired woman, however, countered the move and drove Angelina face first into the canvas with a sit out wheelbarrow facebuster.

Mai: Look at that brilliant counter, Zack. That’s what Harley Shannon is in for at the Sydney show on Tuesday.

Zack: I’m sure Harley is watching closely with a notepad in hand. But that’s Tuesday on Future Shock, there’s a whole other challenge right now for Valerie.

Fantastica rolled away and held her face as she came to her feet only to skip forward with a superkick attempt as Valerie returned to a vertical base… getting nothing but air as McKinley dropped down to one knee and used her arm to sweep out her opponent’s standing leg, causing her to crash backwards onto the canvas. Quickly the Future Shock Champion pushed up to her feet once more and delivered an elbow drop into the luchadora’s stomach. Angelina curled up slightly as she cradled her arms over her midsection which saw her opponent quickly grab hold of her legs as she attempted to turn her over into an elevated Boston crab. The New Yorker though, fought against being turned over, McKinley delivering a stomp into her stomach, followed by a second before she tried again. Still Fantastica fought against the attempted submission move, finally pulling her legs into her chest to kick McKinley away from her.

Zack: Angelina’s doing everything in her power to avoid any kind of submission, and that’s pretty damn smart.

Mai: Even a blind squirrel will find a nut once in a while, Zack.

The Providence native caught herself against the ropes with a shake of her head as she stared daggers towards Angelina, watching as she almost returned to a vertical base before she charged at her and took her down to the canvas with a sling blade. Once more Fantastica started to push upwards and once more found herself put back down on the canvas as McKinley snapped off a swinging neckbreaker. Angelina held her neck with both hands as she forced herself back up to a sitting position and Valerie took full advantage of the opening to drop to her knees behind her opponent and locked in a Full Nelson, interlocking her fingers behind Fantastica’s neck as she did so.

Zack: I’m not entirely sure Valerie has the leverage advantage enough to get the full effectiveness of this full nelson.

Mai: Who asked you? Has Angelina gotten out of it? No.

Davis dropped down in front of Fantastica, asking her if she wanted to submit and getting a ‘No’ from Angelina who began to kick her foot against the canvas as she grimaced in pain. McKinley leaned into the hold to increase the pressure as she kept her foe sat on the mat. Still the New Yorker refused to quit, her hands opening and closing into fists as her face was still contorted into a mask of pain; her foot continuing to kick against the mat, becoming more rhythmic with the crowd beginning to rally behind her, urging her to break the hold. As the chants spread throughout the crowd, Angelina planted her feet on the canvas, leaning backwards as she slowly began to rise back to a vertical base causing Valerie to do likewise. As they both stood up Angelina stomped down on Valerie’s foot that caused her to scowl in anger and pain momentarily before she jerked the luchadora upwards and backwards into a Full Nelson slam. Quickly Valerie made the cover and hooked the leg as she did so.

Mai: I always did like a good full nelson slam, and Valerie clearly does too!

One…

Two…

...THRE-

Zack: She’d have liked it more if she had gotten the three with it, but Angelina’s still in this match.

Fantastica rolled her shoulder to stop the count before it could reach three and Valerie verbally chewed out the referee as Melinda Davis showed her the two count while. The Gold Standard member pulled her opponent up to her feet with her, driving raised knees into her middle before she scooped her upwards and slammed her into the canvas with a sidewalk slam. McKinley rose to her feet and backed up to the ropes only to charge forward and slammed a knee trembler into the side of Angelina’s head, causing her to drop backwards onto the canvas. Quickly Valerie grabbed hold of the luchadora’s legs and this time managed to roll her over onto her front as she locked in an elevated Boston crab, forcing her knee into Angelina’s spine.

Mai: Valerie’s got her own version of the Boston crab. Look where that knee is right now.

Zack: That’ll definitely help with the leverage and pressure she’s looking for. Angelina needs to find an answer quick.

Davis dropped back down in front of the woman from Staten Island, asking her if she wished to quit and getting a very definite ‘No’ from the luchadora. Valerie pulled back a little further, adjusting her stance to push her knee deeper into her foes back to increase the pain. Still Angelina refused to quit even as her hand wavered over the canvas. Instead of tapping out the New York resident began to drag her body towards the ropes, scrabbling and clawing at the canvas in an attempt to find an escape. Valerie shook her head, straightening up and began to drag her opponent more towards the middle of the ring. Angelina making full use of the opportunity present to her to fight and struggle against the hold being locked in once more and free her legs from the grip of the Future Shock Champion. Valerie leaned in in an attempt to affirm her grip and Fantastica grabbed hold of her head and jerked her downwards into a small package.

Zack: Where did that come from?! Angelina with a small package!!

One…

Two…

….THRE--

Mai: The small package is the same as saying you can’t beat someone without trying to sneak up on them. The only difference is when people I like use them.

McKinley kicked out a moment before Davis completed the three count. Angelina rolled backwards to her feet and immediately dropped back to the ropes, bouncing off them and diving into a handspring and into a tornado DDT. The Rhode Island native shoved her opponent away from her before she could get her head planted on the canvas. Fantastica spun around and darted towards her foe. McKinley brought her boot up and drove it into Angelina’s midsection, doubling her over. Quickly Valerie applied a wristlock to Fantastica before she yanked her forward into the Crown Jewel short arm lariat. Quickly Valerie dropped down and hooked both of her foe’s legs as she made the cover.

Mai: The CROWN JEWEL, Zack! Thanks for coming, Angelina! Actually, no thanks.

One….

Two…

….THREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zack: It doesn’t get much closer than that right there! All the credit in the world to Angelina for getting out at the last second!

At the very last heartbeat of the count, Angelina managed to get her shoulder up and stop the count. Valerie glared daggers at the referee, slapping her hands together three times as she demanded the three count only to see the official show the two count once again, pointing to the shoulder that came up from the canvas. It only caused the One Percenter to give Davis a dirtier, more disgusted stare, slapping her hands together three times once more before she finally turned her attention back to Angelina who had made her way to all fours. McKinley pulled her upwards, talking constantly as she looked to continue to get underneath her opponent’s skin. The Future Shock Champion pulled her opponent towards her and set her up for the Divine Providence reverse swinging STO only for Fantastica to suddenly come to life, kicking her legs upwards to hook them around McKinley’s arm and drag her down into a crucifix pinning attempt.

Mai: She’s going for DIVINE PROVI---WHAT?! NO NO NO!!

One…

Two…

...THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zack: Was that three?! No, it wasn’t! Valerie nearly had her whole night ruined, and Kilmeade’s sweating bullets!

Valerie kicked out in the nick of time and immediately looked to the official who was showing the two count to all concerned. With a look of slight relief on her face, McKinley switched her focus back to Angelina who was trying to quickly get back to her feet and tagged her on the jaw with three quick European uppercuts. Fantastica staggered back three steps and Valerie once more grabbed hold of her hand, applying a wristlock as she jerked her forward looking to connect with a second Crown Jewel. Fantastica sees the lariat coming though and ducks underneath it, slipping her hand free of the wristlock and continued to run towards the ring ropes, leaping onto the bottom rope and springboarding backwards into the Staten Island Expressway, driving a handspring back elbow into the side of Valerie’s jaw. As the Future Shock Champion held the point of impact and staggered backwards, Fantastica spun around and caught her flush to the side of the head with an enzugiri, sending McKinley down to the mat.

Zack: Concussive force enzuigiri right to the dome of the Future Shock Champion, and Angelina’s smelling victory!

Mai: It’s probably just the scent of whatever budget deodorant she’s using that she is smelling.

Valerie lay back on the mat, barely moving as Angelina slowly got back to her feet and moved towards her foe, stepping over her and into the corner. Fantastica looked back towards her still unmoving opponent and quickly climbed up to the top rope before she launched herself off the top into the Avenging Angel corkscrew shooting star press.

Zack: AVENGING ANGEL!!

Mai: Yeah, and she got nothing out of it! What a sucker!

And landed on nothing but mat as Valerie rolled out of the way at the last moment. McKinley quickly pushed her way up to her feet and as Fantastica pushed up to her knees, holding her ribcage with both arms, Valerie unleashed a stiff spinning roundhouse kick to the side of her head. Angelina slumped to the side only; Valerie jerked her opponent upwards quickly and drove her straight back down into the canvas with the Divine Providence reverse swinging STO. McKinley made the cover and loosely hooked Angelina’s leg as Davis slid into position.

Mai: That’s what she went for earlier, and got all of it too! DIVINE PROVIDENCE for Angelina!

One…

Two…

...THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zack: Nobody gets up from that one, and unfortunately for Angelina, she wasn’t going to make it either!

Davis called for the bell as Valerie sat up, raising her arms in her air in celebration while the official retrieved the Future Shock Championship. Angelina rolled away to the ring apron as Valerie slowly began to push up to her feet.

Maggie: Here is your winner, by way of pinfall, representing The Gold Standard, the Future Shock Champion!… VALERIE MCKINLEY!!!

Mai: If it’s humanly possible, Valerie has even more momentum heading into her title defense in Sydney. I’d feel bad for Harley if I liked her.

Zack: Angelina came within an eyelash...I mean an eyelash of putting this match away. And---look who’s out here again.

Lyla Fox was seen standing at ringside with her arms crossed over her chest. As Angelina rolled out of the ring, she began talking to her and telling her something before offering her a hand.

Zack: I’d love to know what exactly Lyla Fox has to do with Angelina, or why the owner’s PA has been watching her matches.

Mai: Probably offering her a job cleaning out Samantha’s bathroom. That’s about what she’s good for. What matters is Valerie McKinley is on one hell of a streak!

The One Percenter snatched her title away from the referee and raised it high above her head, getting booed loudly by the crowd as Davis raised her hand in the air. With a huge smile on her face, Valerie rolled out of the ring to join Kyle, raising her title in the air once more as she continued to celebrate her victory before the show cut elsewhere.




Old School Saves The Day

We cut to a scene somewhere in the woods, and find a single car parked along a dirt road. Inside is a couple making out until the girl in question hears a limb snapping, and immediately pulls away from her fairly horny boyfriend.

Girl: What was that? Did you hear something break?

Guy: I think it was my zipper….

She gives him a stare, and listens a bit longer before she finally getting back to what she was doing before it happened: playing tonsil hockey.

Ki ki ki ki ma ma ma ma

The tongue slithering continues until more breaking sounds are heard. Once more, the girl pulls away from her horny boyfriend.

Girl: There it is again! You can’t tell me you didn’t hear that this time.

Guy: I really didn’t. I think the blood has gone well past my ears. Now...where were we?

Girl: I don’t think we should----WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Her boyfriend joins her gaze as a man carrying a machete is standing a few feet from the car. He’s wearing a mask, of course.

Girl: We gotta get out of here! I’ve seen enough horror movies to know how this ends.

Guy: Goddamn cockblocking son of a---

As the masked man proceeds towards the car, a pair of arms snaps around his waist and he gets a German suplex into the dirt. The couple in the car watch curiously as he starts to get up again until something scampers into him with a headbutt. Two more of them follow that before the figure gets to her feet, and piledrives the masked man into the dirt and then drags him out of sight.

Gi gi gi gi Ba ba ba ba

Guy: Who was that girl?

Girl: I’m not sure, but……

“What’s Golden” by Jurassic 5 begins to play out of nowhere on the car radio. Both of them look down to the console as it plays.

Girl: I think…..I think we’ve just been saved by Old School.

As the shot fades out, the following words appear on the screen.

OLD SCHOOL IS COOL

GILLIE BARNES COMING SOON TO FFW